I'm Running for (hic!) Mayor
By Ken Avidor
Some people liquored me up a week ago and convinced me I had to run for Mayor. All I remember saying was I would run as long as someone mixed and served me martinis. According to my campaign manager (the guy mixing the martinis) I made the following campaign promises:
I would declare Minneapolis to be “Fun City” for anyone willing
to donate to my mayoral campaign. People and corporations who donate to my
campaign will receive a special key to the city that will entitle them to
do whatever they want in Minneapolis for fun and profit. People and Corporations
that donate lots of cash and buy me a case of Old Overholt rye whiskey get
the “Gold Key” that entitles them to use taxpayer’s money for
whatever they want. For people who don’t donate to my campaign or buy
me drinks, Minneapolis will be “Misery City”.
To pay for all the Gold Keys I’ll be handing out, I plan to privatize,
downsize and outsource all government departments except the Mayors office.
I would then sell what’s left of the City of Minneapolis on eBay.
We have a serious homeless problem. Homeless people are sleeping under bridges.
Flame-throwers are good for getting rid of this sort of nuisance and I will
direct the police department to purchase lots of 'em.
City streets should be for cars only. I will direct the Public Works Department
to remove bike lanes and crosswalks that encourage bicyclists and pedestrians
to impede traffic flow. I will direct the Police Department to keep bicyclists
and pedestrians from cluttering our roadways. Flame-throwers are also good
for this sort of job.
I will appoint a police chief that isn't too wimpy to use flame-throwers.
I’m thinking of Trog Dor the Burninator*.
Driving in Minneapolis is dangerous...especially if you’re drunk and
using a cell phone. I will direct the Public Works Department to create a
“Vehicle Recovery Zone”, demolish all buildings, trees and fire
hydrants fifty feet on either side of a city street that might get in my way
and cause damage to my new Hummer.
I will establish tax-free, union-free “Slave Labor Enterprise Zones”
to attract businesses to Minneapolis. I will also make available other taxpayer-funded
goodies to “Gold Key” holders who locate their businesses in Minneapolis.
Privatize the public schools. Send the K-8 kids who can’t afford private
schools to work in the “Slave Labor Enterprise Zones”. High School
kids should enlist in the army to fight for the foreign oil I need so I can
keep driving my new Hummer.
Drain the lakes and build stadiums and casinos on them.
*******
Anyone can buy me a drink and suggest another plank for my campaign platform.
I've been endorsed by the Raucous Caucus, The Anarcho-Monarchist League and
Doghouse Republicans.
There will be an official kick-off soon for my inebriated campaign... at either
Grumpy's or the Yukon Club.
Of course, after I'm elected I might sober up and realize I was too drunk
to remember my campaign promises...that’s just a risk you have to take
in a democracy.
******
STATEMENT OF MY "CAMPAIGN MANAGER"
Date: Wed Nov 19, 2003 2:15:16 PM US/Central
To: Ken Avidor
Subject: Avidor Campaign Manager Statement
I have read Ken Avidor's statement regarding his mayoral campaign and must
say that he has forgotten much of what we talked about in our extended campaign
planning retreat of a short time ago.
Well, actually we were in the kitchen during a Saturday night party. I left
at 2AM; I tried to get Ken to leave but he refused. I can only guess he continued
to drink and probably confused me with someone else, or he began to talk to
himself in the mirror. He does that sometimes.
It is also possible that he had a Bulworth* moment sometime yesterday after
the Lake Street PAC meeting. . . . If you haven't seen the movie Bulworth--go
out right now and rent it. Halle Berry is in it.
I requested that he pull his statement, and he told me to go f*** myself and
post the link everywhere possible. I made him promise to include this statement
before I would do so. He agreed. I hope he wasn't lying again or he has forgotten.
He does both sometimes.
Anyway, this is the program I have developed with Ken for the Avidor campaign.
He agreed to it, damn it. You can see that he remembered some of the words
but got everything else wrong.
THE AVIDOR PROGRAM
FOR OUR CASH STRAPPED CITY! NEW REVENUES! BIG FUN!
Since Minneapolis is America's most fun city, we are charging admission. Five
dollars per entry per car. Hummers count as two--hence $10.00. We will pay
for transit fares for anyone who wants to come in without a car. And we will
buy bottled water and cappucino for bicyclists.
We will secede from Hennepin County and form our own county--Funcity County--and
immediately seize the Hennepin County Government Center, which we will sell
to a film company to destroy in the course of making a disaster film.
Funcity County offices will be located in the new Funcity Megamall--formerlly
the Convention Center--where free college classes will be offered, the world's
largest indoor skateboard park will be built, and the homeless can stay indefinitely.
All roads in Minneapolis will immediately become property of Funcity County.
As they crumble we will remove them since they are not cost-effective.
We will default on all outstanding loans owed to financial institutions that
engage in disreputable practices like hiring law firms to run public processes.
All professional sports teams must leave if they do not pay "protection"
fees. If they leave, we will sue them.
The University of Minnesota will have to pay $1000 "service" fees
for each administrator making over $100,000 and each worker who makes under
$50,000. Each car that enters campus from Minneapolis will have to pay $5.00.
Each car entering Minneapolis from campus will have to pay $5.00. Transit
to the U from Minneapolis and vice versa will be free. Bike riders get free
bottled water and cappucino!
Jim Graham and Wizard Marks will be charged $10 per word posted on the Minneapolis
list.
JOIN US!
We announce the formation of "Avidor's Anonymous" (AA), a group
of the committed who are powerless but who have given their lives over to
a "higher power"--Ken Avidor--in order to change their political
lives.
We are working on figuring how to join: it will probably have something to
do with a twisted version of the serenity prayer. We will let you know.
Don't let the candidate fool you. I am supplying the booze and make a good
martini, so he'll ultimately do what I say.
Cheers!
Russell R.
******
AVIDOR: Crap, and that guy in the mirror was agreeing with everything I was saying, too....
******
